How this current time came to be, where ti all began and where the path has lead thus far. Aiming for the best choices and still making poor ones, seeking the proper directions and knowing there is yet something better in store. I know there is a better life meant for us, how to get there is the on hand question. We have survived a true living horror story and at times fell I am still not fully free and independent.
I have an uncountable number of questions and realize many of them will never be answered for me. I realize these situations have not been of my choosing, my fault, or because of anything that I could have done at that time with the knowledge I had at that time. "Live and learn": has been said many times, how true that phrase is. Had I not lived through and learned from the situations I have survived I would not be the person I am today. I have learned that although these times of our lives are not what I would have chosen for us they have been pieces that have formed us in many ways.
No one asks to be hurt. No one expects to be abandoned. No one deserves to be abused. I seek peace, safety , security, and stability. I know these things are pieces we all deserve in our lives. Somehow in the midst of all this turmoil we have managed to survive. Now it is time to rebuild. The time to thrive has arrived.
I've heard a song about a long black train headed to the middle of nowhere and the warning to stay away from that train. Some days it has felt I was caught on that train barreling down the tracks screaming for someone to stop the train and let me off. Eventually that train stopped but it let me out on top of the worst roller coaster there ever has been.
I ask what I did wrong, where did I go wrong? I know now that it wasn't 'me' that went wrong, the situation, circumstances, and events, truly were beyond my personal control. I am no longer 'along for the ride'. I am no longer locked in his prison of isolation and pure dread. I am still not fully free yet I am seeking to become fully simply my own. I am going to be fully self sufficient and able to help another prevent being imprisoned in what should be their own loving home.
It all began simply enough. At least I thought it did. For I didn't know another path. I thought this 'style' of life was the only 'right' way. I didn't realize something far, far, different was the correct and proper way until far too late. Really too late, for by that time I was already fully caught up in that trap.
From that point I tried for a few years to escape before I gave in to this being my lot in life. Eventually I came to give up and stop trying to escape. I feel I failed by giving up, I could have, should have done better. I cannot turn back time and choose a different way but I can and I will do the best I can today and everyday to prevent becoming imprisoned ever again. I am learning those cues and signals hat could lead to another treacherous path so I can avoid those danger areas and seek to fully live life as it was intended to be.
I am who I am, I am me, I have the responsibility to care for me an all those dependent upon me. No matter the situations and circumstances that lead to these children being gifted to me, regardless of the times that produced them, they are ultimately gifts from our Great Spirit. So strange it seems to me that once again this fight for them from that very one who forced his power so many times. When and how can it all end? Gods and Goddesses grant peace!
The true labor of love for my children that has managed to keep us together all these years continues to grow strong regardless of the situations we must now endure through. Only two people living in this world know the events that occurred those horrible nights, at least I must hope so for the only others present in my home where young children themselves. These children must never know all that was done those times only that from a true labor of love we are here.
Sometimes I have wondered if he only allowed me to survive to produce these children for him. Then he allowed me to live, to stay because he must have known if he murdered me then roles would reverse as he would have went to prison instead of keeping me imprisoned and so far away from everybody. I still fear he will kill me at some point, this guy can only be 'good' for so long.. I've seen it too many times. Still quite a real possibility that he will in fact eliminate me from this life too soon. The current mission is to keep alive, staying alive and making plans to really thrive.
I will become fully self sufficient, I am a survivor and I know I will make a better life for myself and my four children. We survived from a living hell now we deserve the change to live freely together. We deserve a safe home away from the abusive violent ones that held us in their grasp for so long. We deserve mercy. We deserve to be allowed to live together safely as mother and children should be.
I've heard the sun shines the brightest after the darkest hour and know that to be true. My children are my bright sunshine's and we have surely survived from the fiercest storms. Out of dire situations we raise up. Seeds planted deep down in the dark soil keep on going and growing to become the most beautiful flowers and the tallest strongest trees. We have been those seeds planted deep in darkness, now we strive to become so much more. I seek to find the proper path, the road to lead to victory. I know we will get there. The solid, secure destination is certain. the path from this point to that destination must be built. I must do the work to build that path for my children to follow.
I plan to obtain a higher education, something I feel can help others from becoming trapped in similar situations. I know I will need help along this path I've set out upon. I know I can do this. we will make, with a small amount of help . Lead me, guide me, walk beside me, help me find the way, teach me all that I must do to live with Gods and Goddesses again one day. Just as the song states the guidance needed, we all can use that guidance daily. Follow the Great Spirit, He knows the way! How true those words surely are to all!
