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History

How this current time came to be, where it all began, and were the path has lead thus far. Aiming for the best choices and still making poor ones, seeking the proper direction and knowing there is yet something better in store. I know there is a better life meant for us, how to get there is the on hand question.

We have survived a true living horror story and at times feel I am still not fully free and independent. I have an uncountable number of questions and realize many of them will never be answered for me. I realize these events have not been of my choosing, my fault, or because of anything I could have done at that time with the knowledge I had at that time.

“Live and let learn” has been said many times, how true that phrase is. Had I not lived through and learned from the situations I have survived I would not be the person I am today. I have learned that although these times of our lives are not what I would have chosen for us they have been pieces that have formed us in many ways.

No one wants to be hurt. No one expects to be abandoned. No one deserves to be abused. I seek peace, safety, security, and stability. I know these things are pieces we all deserve in our lives. Somehow in the midst of all this turmoil we have managed to survive.

Now it is time to rebuild. The time to thrive has arrived.

I have heard a song about a long black train headed to the middle of nowhere and the warning to stay away from that train. Some days it has felt I was caught on that train barreling down the tracks screaming for someone to stop the train and let me off. Eventually that train did stop but when it did I was let out on top of the worst roller coaster there ever has been.

Heaven help us survive, Lord and Lady  You are truly all we have. I know though so many times I have felt quite alone that Heavenly Father and Mother are there and have always known exactly what they created me to be and all I am capable of becoming. I know They will never leave me or forsake me for wherever I go my Lord and Lady, my God and Goddess, are right there with me always.

I ask what I did wrong, where did I go wrong? I know now that it wasn't 'me' that went wrong, the situation, circumstances and events truly were beyond my personal control. I am no longer 'along for the ride'. I am no longer 'stuck in the backseat'. I am no longer locked in his prison of isolation and pure dread terror.

I am still not fully free yet I am seeking to become fully and simply my own. I am going to be fully self sufficient and able to help another prevent being imprisoned as my children and I were for so many years. I will succeed in this freedom, with the Great Spirit as my helpmeet, partner, guide, and friend I can do all things. I can do all things through the Spirit whom strengthens me.

The nightmare all began simply enough. At least I thought it did. I didn't know another path. I thought this 'style' of life was the only 'right' way. I didn't realize something far, far, different was the correct and proper way until far too late. Really too late, for by that time I was already fully caught up in that trap.

From the point I realized I was caught in that trap I tried for a few years to escape before I gave in to this being my only lot in life. Eventually I came to give up and stop trying to escape. I feel I failed by giving up, I could have, should have done better. I cannot turn back time and choose a different way but I can and I will do the best I can today and every day I am blessed with to prevent becoming imprisoned ever again.

I am learning the cues and signals that could lead to another treacherous path so that I can avoid those danger areas and seek to fully live life as it was intended to be.

I am who I am, I am me, I have the responsibility to care for me and all those dependent upon me. Regardless of the circumstances and situations that led to these children of mine being gifted unto me, aside from those times that produced them to be conceived, they are all ultimately gifts to me from my Great Spirit. So strange it seems to me that once again this fight for them from that very one that forced his power upon me so many times.

When and how can it all end? Please grant peace!

The true labor of love for my children that has managed to keep us together all these years continues to grow strong regardless of the situations we must now endure through. Only two people living in this world know the events that occurred those horrible times, at least I must hope so for the only others present in my home during those rapes were young children themselves at the time. My children must never know all that was done during those times, only that from a true labor of love we are all here today.

Sometimes I have wondered if he only allowed me to survive to produce children for him. He allowed me to remain alive, to stay upon this earth, because he must have known if he murdered me then he would have went to prison instead of keeping me imprisoned and so far away from everybody.

I still fear he will kill me, quite a real possibility that he will in fact eliminate me from this life too soon. The current mission is to keep alive, staying alive and making plans to really thrive. I will become fully self sufficient. I am a survivor and I know I will make a better life for myself and my four children.

I've heard the sun shines the brightest after the darkest hour and know that to surely be truth. My children are my bright sunshines and we have survived from the fiercest of storms. Out of dire situations we raise up. Seeds planted deep down in dark soil keep on growing and growing to become the most beautiful flowers and the tallest strongest trees. We have been those seeds planted deep in darkness, now we strive to become so much more.

I seek to find the proper path, the road that leads to victory. I know we will get there. The solid, secure destination is certain. The path from this point to that destination must be built. I must do the work to build that path for my children to follow. I plan to obtain a higher education, something I feel can help others from becoming trapped in similar situations.

I know we will need help along this path I've set out upon. I know I can do this, we will make it, with a small amount of help. Lead me, guide me, stand beside me, help me find the way, teach me all that I must do to live as meant to be. Just as the song states the guidance needed, we all can use that guidance daily.


Too many times I have found myself reasoning that a current situation isn't as bad as a previous experience that never should have happened at the hands of another human being. I know now when something seems bad or wrong that it is time to go away from it ,not to stay trying to reason it out. I know now that must always be a means of escape available. I know now everyone deserves safety, security, and stability. Many times I have been told history repeats. Many times I tried to break those chains, to escape from that lifestyle I was delivered into. I have spent much in seeking to be delivered from this situation prior to relenting unto another human being having power over my person.

One event leads to another sometimes so gradually you don't realize it's gone too far and become out of control until it's too late. Once you burn some bridges you can never cross back over to the other side again, well at least that is what I though before I realized I could simply swim back across that gap to the shores of safety if that bridge across had been destroyed. There is always a way, never give up. By the time I seriously began trying to simply be free and just be me it seemed to me it was already too late. I truly believed no one wanted me. I allowed him to convince me I was a complete and total burden upon everyone in this life.

Why did I allow myself to believe this man and those members of his violent clan? Why couldn't I find a successful means to permanently escape them sooner?

Blessed Goddess, I pray for that peace and strength only You can provide to me. My Lady please help me to endure well, so mote it be.

I have been very blessed to have my faith all through my whole life. I am ever grateful for the blessing bestowed by the word of God through a faithful mother that took it upon herself to read precious scriptures to her children every single day. Although I do follow a much different path than that which she taught, she laid the foundation to believe in the unseen and unknown.  Even through the storms of life I know to cling to the iron rod that is to obey the Spirit Guide in all things, in all ways.

There were many times growing up that situations were not perfect, or even proper by any means. During those darker times I learned to fully rely upon faith. I know the Lord and Lady are  not to blame for any wrongs against us, that in fact they are saddened with us at times for they  have feelings and do know and love me more and deeper than I will ever be able to fathom.  Blessed Lord and Lady love all their Children, all people everywhere... we are all one.

My mother believed as much if not more than any other Christian woman of her time. My father believed at times it seemed to me, I know what he'd say and do, somehow I know true love of God wouldn't allow what we lived through.

I remember many times seeking comfort and security underneath my Grand-daddy's bed of all places. Daddy would get 'owly' and I would try to hide. Grand-daddy slept with a loaded .38 pistol and would not hesitate to pull that gun on Daddy in a heartbeat to protect me.

Daddy wouldn't chase me down like that when momma was home. She would have to go somewhere, Daddy would start to drinking heavier, I would go and hide when he got that bad. There were times my Daddy was quite pleasant to be around. I loved my Daddy more than words could express regardless of what he did against me. I continued to love my Daddy dearly even after he took to seriously threatening my life. No matter what my Daddy did that he shouldn't have done he was still and always shall remain my father, a part of me as I am a piece of him and so the line continues generations on and on. I love the man, not his habits, actions, behaviors, but the man himself I have always loved.

I seem to have been a magnet to those methods I coped with as a child for now history has repeated, in the form of the man that became my second husband. I am thankful for being allowed escape and refuge from that man and his violent clan. I no longer live held captive and never again will become slave to another human being.

Daddy's hands weren't always gentle, but I have come to understand, there was always love in Daddy's hands. The words to that song ring out clearly to me. I know my Daddy loved me even when things were done that were not right. Before my Daddy passed away we were able to have a healthier more proper parent – child relationship. I took measures to ensure my Daddy and I were never alone together even after we had built a more proper relationship between ourselves.

I do not know across how many generations this pattern of lifestyle has come down across. I do know I fully intended to stop that cycle for a better future to the coming generations. I swore my children would never grow up like that, that they would live it better without the improper pieces in their lives. Yet somehow once again history repeats itself yet again. Not by my hands, not through my blood line, but yet that chain had not been as detached from my family as I had believed it to have been. My second husband showed to be a monster endangering the lives of my children and I with the assistance of his sisters. My children and I were held captive by the violent clan I had married into.

Something how common it becomes to marry someone similar to our own fathers. Why is that? Do we simply seek familiar comforts? Thinking this one only has the good qualities of that one not seeing, or overlooking the the common undesirable qualities they may share. Still seeking Daddy's acceptance and approval for whatever reason not thinking that birds of a feather stick together.

I remember hunting trips when I was young. Being locked out in the cold of an Iowa winter until the quota had been killed for the night. I remember nights snuggling down in the straw of a doghouse with an old coonhound when I couldn't do anymore. My children have never had to do that. I made sure of it. Those hunting trips I was taking along to into northern Iowa I was many times left behind with other people while my family members went out doing whatever they did during those times. There were things that should have never happened occurring during those times I was left behind in those places with total strangers to me.

My grand-daddy went one summer into town with my mother and had a small house trailer drug onto our property. He gave this little trailer to me. That little place was as much my refuge as it was yet another confinement depending on who came out to the property.

I remember the floods every year, sometimes multiple times each year. “How high's the water momma?”, that was regular talk around our place. The Cedar River floods regularly each year. We went to school by whatever means we could, driving or walking and sometimes even by boat. A mile of flooded land to cover through angry flooded river currents just to reach our school bus stop. A mile of flooded fields to journey across to reach the cabin that was our home.

Mom would always pray, sing, recite Bible verses to us and with us through those trips we had to endure. My children will never willingly be sent off alone in a raft into raging flood waters. Water so deep and currents so strong we surely only survived by the grace of the Great Spirits. Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me!

I always blamed the alcohol, the devil in that brown bottle. I always blamed the chemical, the substances that were ingested. Now I know the person partaking of those items is to blame for partaking of them and doing so much harm to all others in their paths. In the end some pickle themselves, cirrhosis of the liver is not pretty. Calcified internal organs from years of heavy drinking and ingesting substances never intended to be used in such a manner as they were. Harms the user and all those around them, a wonder how these things can continue. Cancers, such horrid diseases, some never used these substances but bet your last dollar they were exposed to them in some form someway some how along the way. Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound... I was blind and now I see.

Grandma always said, “If you don't drink with me you don't love me.” I loved my Grandma and she knew it. She taught me how to mix drinks, smoke, hide things even from my own mother. Grandma approved of all my father's doings, he was her son after-all. She loved us each in her own, sometimes quite twisted, way. Grandma had walked out on her first four, five, maybe more children before she married my Grand-daddy and they had my father and his siblings. I will never understand how she simply walked out on her own offspring. Some things should never happen, always thought there was more to that story in the past but Grandma took the answers to all those questions of mine to the grave with her.

I developed a serious addiction to drugs and alcohol as a child that I was able to break the chains of and escape from shortly after I turned 18. I had been through treatment for my addictions twice prior to turning 18 but each time after discharge from those programs I went back to what was familiar to me. After turning 18 I voluntarily signed myself into an adult treatment facility and stayed for the thirty day inpatient program. I have been clean and sober since April 26th, 1995 and will continue to remain upon this path addiction free for the rest of my living days. I never had legal issues from my involvement in that which should never have been in my life but I knew I wanted something better for my future than what I had grown up with.

I love my children dearly. They are each special gifts loaned to me from above. My children are true miracles in many ways. I know the Great Spirits sent them to teach me as I am to teach them properly. I had surgeries on my ovaries when I was fifteen and again when I was sixteen. My doctors told me I would never conceive children, ever.

I graduated from high school in 1995. I signed up for the US Navy and was ready to ship out to the Great Lakes for my basic training. I had scored 80 on my ASVAB exam, the placement exams for the US military that would determine the career track I was eligible for through them. This score was above average and would have led to a much better track of life had I seen to stay upon that track better than I did at the time. I had one final medical exam before I was able to be sent out to basic training and at that exam I learned my whole life was going to lay out much differently than I had thought possible. I had always scored positive results on all my tests throughout my school career and that pregnancy test I was administered turned out to be just as positive in it's results. Instead of entering into what would have been a successful career I married at the age of 19 and became the mother of an awesome little fellow. I was greatly blessed. One of my first husbands many other girlfriends (in his eyes we were all his wives) was in the delivery room with me during that labor and birth of my firstborn son. This son was the first child born to me after my ovarian surgeries but not my first pregnancy. During the labor process of my firstborn son my first husband, his biological father, was asleep in the corner of the room with baby blankets that had been brought for my son. That biological father had to be woke when it was time to deliver baby.

My first husband was for the most part loving and kind – too much so at times. He had too many other females that he claimed as wives, though I was the only that he legally married in his eyes the other women and I were all on that same level. I overlooked this peculiarity with my sister wives for quite awhile, I had been claimed by him when I was in the eighth grade and he had approved of my entering into the Navy, if only I'd have stayed upon that path but I wouldn't trade anything for my firstborn son and I have no regrets on the decision made to welcome that child into this world. Eventually enough was enough, the new female my first husband brought home and asked us to accept was too young, much too young, I was 21 that year and her age was those same numbers in reverse. I left and filed for a divorce. Two months later I gave birth to a daughter. My daughter was born one month early, bright and cheery, a perfect baby girl. Her father was there, I asked him to buy a pack of smaller diapers as baby was smaller than I'd expected her to be and he told me that he couldn't afford to buy her a pack of smaller diapers because he had already promised his friends that he would buy them all cigars when the baby was born.... cigars for his friends took presidence over diapers for our newborn infant.

Things became stranger with my first husband after our separation. I know my Daddy kept friendly with him, I came to be thankful for that over the years. I went back to work trying to support my children and myself. There were times another employee would report someone around my vehicle while I was working, many times my vehicle was tampered with. My children would visit with their biological father and his family, I would be told I needed to provide supplies for them to the 'babysitter' during those visitations – I decided if he was only going to claim being a babysitter that we didn't need that one. A father, I thought, should share those responsibilities. My higher expectations for a better life led me away from there. Visitation and all grandparent rights were legally discontinued and I was awarded sole custody of our two children in 1999 after my ex-mother-in-law was found to be growing an illegal plant in my first husbands bedroom which was now renamed as their 'black room'.

My first husbands new female companion was the age then that our daughter was when my children and I successfully escaped from the captivity of the violent clan that held us for so many years. Dear Lord and Lady, help me deliver us all together to safety, let no further trauma happen here upon our lives, So Mote It Be.

In the spring of 1998 my adopted sister convinced me to be the designated driver for her husband and herself while they partook of alcoholic beverages at local taverns. Heather and her husband liked to go to a local country line dancing bar some weekends, they both drank and I hadn't had a drink for three years by then so I was asked to safely drive them during those outings. One weekend towards the end of March 1998 my sister announced there was another truck driver that would be joining them on one of these ventures. That is how I met husband number two, warden of the prison for twelve years of the lives of my children and myself. In May of 1998 my mother and my mothers sister had to go to Texas to be with another relative that needed them for awhile for medical purposes. My mother asked him, the one that would become husband number two, to stay at the house with the babies and I until she got back and he did, he didn't leave until he and I moved into our first house together, the place where the abuse grew worse. I should have remained at my mothers home. I should have pushed that pride away to let someone know the danger sooner, before my children and I became trapped in a very dangerous situation. I should have escaped before the damage done became so great and terrible against us.

Blessed Lord and Lady,  I pray my children and I be allowed to live in peace with safety, stability, and security to overcome the situations we have escaped from permanently. Dear Gods and Goddesses keep us together don't let this evil clan separate us, keep us safe, and together ~ So Mote It Be!

The first assault that I admitted to anyone done against me at the hands of my second husband was a real true assault occurred in July of 1999. Why didn't I go and keep on going away from them then? Why – because it wasn't as bad as other events I had already survived and my eyes were not seeing what friends and family were yelling to get away from. If only I knew then what I know now; but then my family wouldn't be what and who we are now either.

Dear Lord and Lady, I am thankful for the wonderful children I have been blessed with.  I pray we be allowed to reunite with our family, that we be able to remain together and live in peace safely. Help us we need You, hear this plea and reunite our family ~ So Mote It Be~

I was talking to my sister on the telephone when he became enraged. I had to escape with my two children and his sister's two children. I went to the home of my adoptive parents. Soon after our arrival at my adoptive parents home him and his sister also arrived at the same residence. My sister and I took all the children that were in the house into the basement and hid with them while our parents remained upstairs. I had called the sister the children belonged to and she had told us under no means were we to give her two children over to him and the other sister of theirs, to keep her children with us until she could come to collect them herself. He and the other sister of his proceeded to break down the front door of the home before police had time to arrive on the scene. He was arrested for damages. Afterwards my sister took me to an emergency room for needed medical treatment from the injuries I had received during the assault that had caused me to flee to my adoptive parents home. At that emergency room I met my first advocate from the Domestic Violence Advocacy Program. If only I had done all she advised me to do. The advocate already knew this was not capable of going anywhere good. I still had blinders on. He was sorry. He said he didn't mean it. He said he loved me. I dropped my charges against him and we went back home with him. The time wasn't long before I knew that advocate was right, I should have ran far and fast. Now I was expecting another baby from that assault. He was not a steady worker, now there was going to be another child to care for. Why didn't I report those times he forced his will against me? Why did I remain quiet so long? I know why. I know that one. Back right after my Grand-daddy passed away, when another male human had forced his way against me and then went to taverns bragging about what he'd done to me someone had called my parents, those parents said it was all my fault. My parents helped that offender receive a plea bargain and he never served one single day in jail, he was another truck driver and nearly old enough to have been my father himself.

I had sworn when I lived through those experiences during my own childhood that no child of mine would ever have to go through those acts. God and Goddess what has that evil clan done? Why didn't I know? Why can nothing be done now? How in the name of religion are these violent clan members allowed to remain free while my children and I still seek the safety and reunion we are entitled to? They always told us 'those people' were no good and would take us away from each other. He always said my children would be taken away. He claimed he was going to have me committed to a mental institution or nursing home. He said if those people came around I'd never see my children again.

My six year old daughter told the truth. My little girl said exactly what he did to her. I took the children and tried to return back to my family; anywhere to escape from that violent clan. We were all separated, he was right, he got his way there. Please Lord and Lady don't let him rule over us, help us fully and safely escape the violent clan altogether and never let us have to live in fear again.

That explains why these children did what he said and kept those dark bad things so hidden. The fear of his threats kept us all under his power, now the reality of what he said would happen keeps more truth from coming forth from the children. Heaven help them all to be at peace. Dear Lord and Lady please keep all the children safe.

I wish I could say things got better after that first reported assault from this man. I cannot. I know things kept spiraling downhill. My children and I became imprisoned under his power, afraid to say anything to anyone and truly believing we had no escape from that violent group.

I am ever thankful for the angels our Great Spirits have set out to help us on this path. These helpers we have been blessed with to find our way to safety, these ones that are working to rescue us from the storms of life we have been entrenched within.

Over the years He has come and gone. He would leave for awhile, move in with one of his siblings, make phone calls sending 'those people' to my home, always keeping my children and I so afraid and under his power even from a distance. I wish I had been able to tell someone, anyone, all these years that would truly really be there for us to help us and not to hurt us or cause us further trauma. Now I pray someone listens and we are allowed to live in peace. We need help to live the proper path in this life, let my children and I be able to do this together as a proper family. Show these children not to be afraid to tell the truth, let them learn that through truth we are set free. Truth shall be not feared here. Always strive to be true in all ways, always.

Summer of 2000 found me homeless expecting the child that is now my youngest son after we had left Him following another assault against me. He had forced what had caused the pregnancy but he wasn't wanting anything to do with the product of that assault. I told his sister about the pregnancy before telling Him, she didn't want me to tell him at all, instead she wanted me to abort that baby. I couldn't and wouldn't consider doing such a thing, murder is murder and I am not a murderer though members of that violent clan are. I told him about the pregnancy and he became violent again, how my child survived I do not know other than by the Grace of the Almighty. Look at those violent clan members now, attempting to portray themselves as loving members of society when they are anything but that in their true selves.

We had spent the previous cold Iowa winter with no utilities. I worked full time, I paid all the bills out of solely my own earned income. I came home from work one evening to discover He had decided we needed to disconnect from the outsiders and thus he had called and had all our utilities disconnected. He refused to allow the electricity and gas to be turned back on. Somehow we all managed not to freeze to death that winter. In the spring of 2000 my sister located us and once she realized the utilities were not in working order she took my children and myself to her home with her. She wanted to ensure the children were safe , receiving warm meals and baths and all else necessary to remain healthy. He and his sisters were infuriated that the children and I had left with my sister, they came to my sisters home; we had to return with the violent clan as no one wanted trouble at their own homes. I can't blame them, we didn't want the trouble in our own home either.

June of 2000, on Fathers Day, I was 21 weeks pregnant with my youngest son on this day. He wanted to visit with his brother on this day and had me pack the children and drive towards his brother's house. I stopped to make a left hand turn when a car coming up the hill behind us failed to stop. I went into preterm labor at the scene. My children were taken to the hospital, treated and released while I was kept inpatient. My mother had to come collect my children from the hospital as He and his relatives had become combative in the hospital and would not be allowed to have the children released to them. The following day I was released from the hospital; He and his sisters found me. I called the police, the police officers told the violent ones to leave us alone. I ended up admitted to the hospital again. My sister in law was with me in my hospital room when he and his sisters arrived on premises and had to be escorted off of hospital grounds. I had to be transported to University of Iowa High Risk Clinics this time. He obtained a girlfriend through this time. Although he had a girlfriend he still wouldn't leave my children and I alone. We still had to keep an eye out for him and his sisters, always afraid of what they might attempt to do to us next.

My youngest son was due on October 18, my Daddy's birthday. I had many mixed emotions about my child being due on that date. I had to continue to follow with the high risk obstetric clinic through the remainder of the pregnancy following the vehicular accident in June of 2000. I was living between my sisters, my brothers, my mothers, my uncles, friends, anywhere that would allow my children and I to stay with them for a time. My plan at the time was after I delivered my baby to obtain full time employment and provide a safe home of our own for my children. My sister in law had decided to abort her baby that would have been due about the same time as the baby I was now carrying. After she followed through with her decision she had major issues being around pregnant women and other very small children. One night she had a breakdown of sorts and my brother helped me to get my children and myself to our uncles home. The very next morning she called child protective services on me, reported I was homeless and pregnant traveling with two minor children. The subsequent visits I had with those protection workers resulted in the help I needed to obtain a safe home for myself and my children eight days after I delivered that baby.

My uncle kept the two children I had with me while I went to my medical prenatal appointments. I left them with him while I drove the sixty miles from his home to Iowa City for prenatal care. On September 19th I left those two children in my sole custody with my uncle while I traveled to the hospital for my 36 week checkup by myself. I had extra time so I stopped at a store along the way and picked up some more baby supplies. I arrived at the clinic and met with my doctor, Dr Yankowitz asked me to walk around the hospital for an hour or so and come back in to see him again before I headed back home so that he'd have time to check on something. I went to the gift shop and bought some white doves for my mother as her birthday and wedding had been the previous week on September 13th. I eventually walked back over the clinic where my doctor rechecked me and informed me that my cervix was six centimeters dilated and had to report directly to labor and delivery. I was advised to call whoever I needed to call as birth of my infant would be imminent according to medical calculations.

I called my parents and we decided to notify him that my baby was soon to arrive. His sister drove him to the hospital and left him there with us. I remember him putting a washcloth over my face that had been used to clean vomit. I wished he wasn't there. That delivery was the worse I had experienced. I had front and back labor and a man that was only there because his sister had brought him and left him there – she should have saved the gas and let him stay home playing his video game – he'd have been happier and I'd have been more relaxed and safer without him there considering the circumstances. My son was born a month early, another early bird. He did not pass his newborn screening, my little Buddy was born partially deaf in both ears, had a bit of a time regulating temperature and breathing and did not have a suck reflex. I learned how to nurse him and care for his specialties. We returned to my mothers home upon our release from the hospital.

He and his sisters called my mothers home saying they were going to come take my baby. My mother called police and we were told the violent ones could not legally take baby from us that way. Andalusia, IL police put patrols to help keep us safe. The phone calls continued. On September 28, 2000 my children and I moved into a home of our own. We established a way for him and his family to have visitations with baby, this involved me taking the children to homes of his relatives for them to visit. He never paid child support, I heard if it was filed I'd have to allow visitations with him and baby alone and I was in fear of what he'd to baby if left alone with him. I never trusted him alone with any of my children, he never babysat them alone, when he was there I always had someone else there too if I had to work up until he took full control of our lives in his hands.

Eventually I did allow his relatives to take baby, for a holiday visit to what I was told was going to occur at the home of baby's great aunt that I thought was a safe resource for the visits. At the end of that visit I was returned a filthy, hungry infant. I called him one evening to ask if he would purchase a bag of diapers for baby; he was driving a tow truck at the time. He drove that tow truck to my home and backed it into the parking lot where I would have to walk in front of the truck to reach the drivers side window where he was at. He instructed me to carry the baby out with me so he could look at him and he would give me money to go get a bag of diapers. I didn't take time to put on shoes as I knew if I took time he would leave and there would be no diapers. There I was barefoot, in the snow, carrying a bundled up infant to collect diaper money from a total idiot. He handed me the money and I started back towards my front door with my baby. As the baby and I were directly in front of that tow truck he revved it's engine, I ran the rest of the way, got inside and locked up the door. My friend that was staying with me continued to watch out the window; eventually he left that parking lot and I went to the store to purchase a pack of diapers. I no longer felt safe in my own home. Phone calls from him and his sisters grew seemingly worse; I went to stay with my Daddy and his girlfriend for awhile with my children.

I had began working fulltime a few weeks after I delivered my baby and my Daddy's girlfriend would babysit my children along with my niece and her grandchildren. I also used a daycare home for childcare during that time in the home of a lady that I'd met through a full Pentecostal Church I'd joined while I was in high school. He and his sisters didn't let up. Sometimes I would have child protective services appear at my home when I quit answering the phone calls from him and his family because he  and his relatives would call in erroneous reports, these calls continued to the point of harassment and ended when they were warned they could be charged for filing false reports. In the state of Illinois after the same person has called protective services so many times on false pretenses that callers name is released to the person they have filed the report on; it was clear who was making these calls. I ended up opening a voluntary case with the department of human resources in the state of Illinois to obtain assistance for my youngest son due to his medical complications to provide him the best possible care. I was still trying to keep him happy with my belief that he would one day get better and we would be able to have a good life for these children.

December 24th, 2000 I was at my Daddy's home with my children and my friend when he called requesting to take baby to his aunt's home for a holiday visit. I knew this aunt and she had always been safe around us, I agreed to allow baby to go to her home for visitation. I later learned that he had taken the baby to his girlfriends home and then proceeded to take my infant son to taverns and other places I would never have agreed my child to have been taken to. He brought my baby back to me that evening, a very messy unhappy baby and a filthy diaper bag too. He had dumped all of the pumped breastmilk that I had sent along to be fed to my son into the diaper bag so all the diapers in the bag were ruined and there were no clean clothes or other items in the bag. My Daddy went out and bought diapers and some clean outfits for baby while the washable items that had been brought back were cleaned in Daddy's washing machine. Afterwards I returned to my home with my children. A while after I returned home he called and said they had located something that belonged to baby and asked if he could bring it by my house to drop it off; I agreed to let him return that item. I never should have agreed to let him come by to drop off that baby toy.

He showed up that night all right. Baby was there in my living room in his baby swing; my other two children were already in bed for the evening. He entered into my home when I opened the front door to retrieve baby's item from him. I remember the fear I felt when he pushed through the door to enter my home that night. I went upstairs to check on my two sleeping children and when I came back down the stairs He attacked me yet again. He forced his way that night tearing pieces of me that were unable to be properly put back together again afterwards. Some things just cannot be fixed. He finally left, I called my mother, she came to care for my children and I was transported to the emergency room where I had to undergo yet another rape kit. A domestic violence advocate met me at the hospital along with law enforcement officials; charges were filed and eventually I was discharged back home. My clothing was kept, never to be seen again by my eyes, the advocate brought me clean garments to wear back home. I remember a whole swirl of medical and legal persons through the days following that rape. The state of Illinois charged him with a Class X Felony for the sexual assault; although I later dropped charges I had filed against him out of fear from him and his sisters that case is still open from the state of Illinois against him now some nearly eleven years later. I had obtained another restraining order against that violent clan during this time. I learned that my oldest son who was all of four years old at the time had witnessed at least a portion of the attack that night; in order to pursue charges against him my four year old child would have to testify in court in front of that violent clan. Richard and his family members kept calling my relatives and friend and myself claiming they were going to take my children away from me and that we'd never see them again; the threats kept coming and I was told there was nothing I could do until those violent ones actually did something else against us. I became afraid to say anything to anyone and couldn't put my four year old son on that witness stand in front of this violent clan; I feared for our very lives if I followed through with this. I dropped my charges against him so that my four year old son would not have to testify in front of that group. I felt that I could not put my son through that and wanted to move on with our lives to leave that mess behind us. I did extend the order of protection but that piece of paper was just a piece of paper that didn't hold up much against those violent people. http://judici.com/courts/cases/case_information.jsp?court=IL081025J&ocl=IL081025J,2000OP689,IL081025JL2000OP689P1 ... I should have never ever dropped that order, something the grip that fear can hold over a person.... thankful I do not ever again have to live under such.

Life was a bit more peaceful, for a while at least. I had friends around more often and my family got along better. My youngest son continued with his growth yet he had times of serious illnesses. A day after my youngest sons first birthday he was diagnosed with Chrons disease at Iowa City University Hospital. The hospital doctors told me my son did not have much longer in this life. I was being told my son had months to live. At this time I made the horrible decision to allow him to be in the childs life with my belief that some day this man would change and deserved a chance to know his son before his early departure from this life. I should have never ever done this. I really did believe that He would one day change just as I had seen my own Daddy do; He never did change, it was quite opposite of my Daddy's path. Instead of better, life became much worse.



Less than anything, empty, alone – feelings I went through not knowing what to do. Living with the enemy – I've done it. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, I sure did, don't get no closer to 'em than I've been.

He never changed. Bad turned to worse. Stuck in a drain. Trapped in his prison emotionally; I thought there was no escape alive. I broke free, I escaped, I'm alive, I survived, now I will thrive! Time has come to truly live it to it's fullest; really able to make the best of each moment. Bust down those walls, break those chains and never look back there again. Seeking the freedom and independence we deserve – it will come – I pray it comes soon.

Dear Great Spirit, I thank You for all the blessings You've set upon us. I pray I am able to truly endure to the end. Grant upon us peace, safety, security, stability, let my children be happy and able to live proper healthy lives. Unite us together forever that we always be there for each other. Let us have a proper home together to be the family we were all meant to be trauma free. Set Angels out upon us all, lead us, guide us, keep us safe ~ So Mote It Be.

I'll say yes Lord yes, to Your Will and to Your Way, when Your Spirit speaks to me, with my whole heart I'll agree and my answer will be Yes Lord Yes. Blessed be the Great Spirit that guides me, the Great Spirit that grants life upon me and allows me to continue upon this path!

Oh, what mighty Gods and Goddesses we serve, Angels bow before Them, Heaven and Earth adore Them, O what a mighty Gods and Goddesses we serve!

He came back into our lives towards the end of 2001. I worked at two separate employers, he was unemployed. I had a friend that lived down the street from me, who would sit with the children while I was at work. He wouldn't be bothered from his video games and computer games to help with anything.

January of 2002 my youngest son became seriously ill. My son was hospitalized in Silvis Illinois and then transferred to Iowa City Iowa Children's Hospital. He was diagnosed with leukocystic vasculitis and required IVIG therapy; never knew what caused this just that he was a very sick little boy. My adopted sister kept my other three children while we stayed at hospital with my youngest son. My mom would come to visit with us. My mom took me home for my daughters birthday on January 19th and partway through the day we were called back to hospital. Eventually my son recuperated, the stitches on his left shoulder blade from the punch biopsy for diagnosis were replaced with butterfly bandaids. He has an immunosystem deficiency. He was between seventeen and eighteen months old coming home this time with an apnea monitor and more special instructions to best help him.

My oldest son began kindergarten and my daughter began preschool. I had Black Hawk Area Special Education services in the home for my youngest son due to developmental delays.

He would come and go; sometimes living with his sisters, sometimes just somewhere. I helped him obtain employment at a plastic factory that ended when he began a physical altercation against another employee and he was fired. He became more aggressive at times; it was as if someone was turning a light switch on and off within him. Always on eggshells, never knowing what to expect or when to expect it.
We would start eating dinner pleasantly enough. Someone would say Grace, ask the blessing, and we'd start serving the meal. Then faster than anything he would be totally irate – tossing things around, yelling perfect nonsense at us – always over things beyond our control.

November of 2002 I was working two jobs fulltime. My friend and her children were staying with us again. She and I worked at the same places; our friend would sit with our children while we were at work. November 18th we came home from work; the children were already in their pajamas. My almost four year old daughter was in a blanket sleeper. That little girl wasn't walking properly. My work friend and I took her into the living room and undid her sleeper thinking there was going to be a rough spot inside the pajamas. That little girl had marks on her body that shouldn't have been there. He said he didn't notice before we got back home. We questioned her about what had happened, she told us a teacher at her preschool had bothered her during nap time. My friend and I took her to the emergency room. That little girl continued to claim it was the worker at her preschool throughout the following investigation. Now all these years later; I hope that little girl has the courage to not block but to bring to the light the full truths of what she herself has survived from and what I was blind to until she began talking about the wrongs that had been done against her the day we escaped from captivity.

In February of 2003 he left to go move in with his sisters again. I was expecting twins due October 8th, 2003. He went with me to an ultrasound; the doctor told us the babies were not viable that there were no heart tones only fetal poles in two separate fetal sacks. The doctor recommended undergoing a dilation and curettage procedure to remove what they were referring to as tissue from my body. I refused to have that procedure done. The doctor advised me I would pass the tissue over the next few weeks. The very next day he and his sister had me brought to court for they had filed for custody of my youngest son; the judge immediately dismissed their request and advised them to leave my children and I alone. In March I had severe abdominal pains and my friend took me to the emergency room. An ultrasound showed both fetuses to have heart tones. I was kept for observation and released. He was notified the babies were alive. April 16th I went to another prenatal appointment, on the way home my van stopped running. He was in the area and used his brother in law's pickup to push my van home, he didn't come up gently on the rear of the van to push it; the impact even though I had my seatbelt on sent me into the steering wheel. Later that night my friend transported me to the emergency room, I had begun bleeding and cramping contraction like very heavily. That night Baby A became my Angel in Heaven. Somehow she passed right by Baby B and Baby B remained. I was kept inpatient for awhile; he was notified, he was too busy with an online computer game to acknowledge the passing of that daughter. In June I was admitted to the hospital for a few weeks due to pneumonia. My first husband had come to the hospital and brought a small stuffed dog and premature infant cap, just the size of the baby that earned her angel wings. My mother came by daily to check on me. I had 2 liters of fluid loose in my abdomen that had to be watched and passed or reabsorbed by my body before I could be discharged. I was released home and went into preterm labor, was readmitted to the hospital. July I was released from the hospital, he and his sister had reported that my vehicles were registered to an address that wasn't mine to the police department. The officers told me she was the one that had called them. He came back and claimed that his sisters had talked him into everything from filing for custody of my youngest son to some other nonsense he'd gone through. He moved himself back in. I was readmitted to the hospital for preterm labor again. August 18th I was released from hospital again and when I got home I took a nap on the couch. I awoke from that nap to discover my water had broke. He took me to the hospital, I went through rounds of steroid shots to attempt to prepare the infants lungs for a premature delivery. I was able to carry my daughter until August 23rd when the baby's heart rate dipped down too low from the lack of amniotic fluid and her weight compressing the umbilical cord. I delivered her a few minutes before midnight, somehow in the delivery process our blood lines crossed and we both developed a blood type incompatibility. Baby B was sixteen inches long, four pounds eleven ounces and very ill. She had hypothermia, hypoglycemic, and jaundice, lost weight down to under three pounds. She was eventually discharged from the NICU with more equipment than there was infant. She came home with an IV still attached, I had a home health nurse come to my home to help me with caring for my infant. A few days after she was brought home I went to get her up early in the morning to get her ready to go to an appointment. She was cold, unresponsive. I took her to her pediatricians office which was just blocks from our home. She underwent a spinal tap and didn't respond at all to anything the medical personnel did. She was readmitted to the hospital and medical personnel did not expect her to survive. That little lady beat all odds, she has survived, she is still alive. The only ongoing complication from her prematurity and early on medical complications is the enamel on her teeth never did develop properly, I was told this was from the medication that saved her life and that her adult teeth would be fine, doesn't help matters the little lady grinds her teeth. I brought her back home after she was well enough to return home and she thrived.
I had to stay inpatient until I recuperated from the blood type incompatibility. When baby was eight hours old I underwent a tubal ligation; I couldn't stand the thought of another child going through what this infant was going through or putting my other children through what they'd went through these past years. The doctor advised me that my infant was not stable and may not survive, I told her that another child would not replace this one and I was not going to have another child going through this process. Richard had attacked me the night I was discharged from the hospital following Baby B's birth. I was too afraid of him and what he and his family claimed they would do to do more to try to escape at that time. They threatened me with taking my children away from me, they told me I would never see my children again. They threatened to take my life. I fully believe they are capable and given the chance they will follow through with those threats they have made so many times over the years.

I recall one night in 2010 after he'd moved us to total isolation with no means of communication from our home to anyone else he was on a rampage because someone mentioned finding new homes for our pets. We couldn't afford our own expenses much less those animals and he refused to help clean up after them. Anyway it got really bad that night. My children ran to a friends house and called Church members for help. He has always instilled other workers are unsafe. I sometimes feel he was right about that; Baby girl told the truth and he was right. They were taken away, my children and I were all separated by Alabama DHR three days after we escaped from him and his sisters.

Some church members came over after he had exploded that night. I wish I'd have known there was a safe house available for my children and I to go to then. We would have left that night if we'd had a place to go. I was afraid the children and I would be separated;he and his family had drilled into us how bad legal people and social workers were, this had become embedded over time.

He was a little better for a little while after that explosion. For a little while. Sometimes he'd play sorry for awhile, sometimes he'd turn it all around and blame one of us for whatever was going on in his mind.


Back in 2008, when he got really mean, the attack that left me having to relearn how to function physically – I wish someone would have shown us a way to leave. I told people he'd choked me; he told people I was crazy. No matter the loss of use of my left side – cold, purple, swollen left side – can't just 'crazy' that into being. Discs in necks don't compress themselves and discs in back don't just rupture with anulear tears and leak signal fluid either. Seemed to me there was simply no escape from this man that would allow me to remain alive.

During the year of 2007 I underwent two bilateral breast lumpectomies. HE had already told me I was damaged goods from previous surgeries I had underwent and these two more just added to his fire. Friends helped with my children while I was at the hospital and during the following recuperation. A nephew brought me back home from the hospital; HE had dropped me off at the hospital on his way out of town driving his semi.
I was in the process of working on the engine of a vehicle that we had so that I would have a way to transport my children to their appointments. Somewhere during the process I lost my wedding band. HE decided I need to have a ring that I wouldn't loose. His sister took me to a body art shop and I had to have body piercings placed into myself for having lost that wedding ring. I always tried to make the best out of their requirements upon me no matter how odd or bad those requirements were, that was my way of coping with what I knew was something I would not be able to change. By the time I escaped that evil clan I had underwent ten separate body piercings. After I escaped I removed every single piece that had been placed in my skin; those scars never go away. Eventually I decided to replace bad memories with good memories so that those scars weren't so unbearable for me to look at the rest of my life and I had some of them redone on my own terms, now when I see those scars I don't automatically go to the memories of the initial causes. I know that decision may not make any sense to anyone else but me, when it comes down to it though, I am the one that matters in how I view those pieces of me and whatever I do to overcome those bad times with good times and replacing horrid memories with better ones will help me to fully be free from that violent group.

The year of 2008 sent HIM into a whirlwind. In the beginning of the year my Daddy had left this life too soon. I was allowed to travel the distance to attend the funeral while my children stayed behind in the care of friends that didn't realize just how bad it was at our home because my children and I weren't talking to anyone about anything that HE told us to stay quiet about. If only I'd have been able to make myself speak up sooner. I returned from Daddy's funeral to a trashed out home; the children hadn't even been there,he had stayed behind with his computer games.
Towards the middle of the year he became more aggressive leading to more attacks from him against my person. I became very ill that year. I was diagnosed with mycoplasma pneumonia. HE had begun strangling me to the point of unconsciousness more frequently during this year. There were days I was literally unable to function. HE developed an even stranger sexual fixation than he had previously had. During an attack a butterfly knife was used against me; the left side of my labia was separated from my body, yet another scar to carry with me for the rest of forever. The healing process from that injury was horrendous. HE would confine me to my room with an adult diaper; apparently I wasn't supposed to have bled even though he'd cut through layers of my skin. This injury is one that current doctors in my life have told me there is nothing that can be done to repair the damage. I told my doctor that he had choked me. I told her he had attacked me. I didn't know there was anyone I could really trust that would help me get away from there if only I'd been strong enough to speak up before it was too late. I tried to find a means to escape but was unsuccessful again. I just wasn't seeing a way possible through the view I had, through the serious trust issues I had developed , I learned to trust no one.

HE would become enraged and physically aggressive; he would not just pick up random household items and throw them he would also pick me up and throw me. He would tie me up and attack me. During a weekday while my children were all at school the first week of October 2008 HE came into the home angered about something. HE became verbally abusive, then physically aggressive. I went into the bathroom and locked the door thinking he would calm down and leave me alone. I was wrong. Never go into a locked room with no other exits during an attack, ever. HE broke in that bathroom door, picked me up and threw me into the side of the bathtub. My back collided with the side of the tub. I remember severe sharp pain before blacking out. At least two hours later I regained consciousness. The only piece of me I was able to move when I became conscious was my right hand. I was unable to talk. HE brought my laptop near me, I had to communicate via typing into that laptop with my right hand. I never was able to walk again. I gradually regained use of my left hand, never to the full capacity it had been prior to that attack but functioning enough to be useful most days. I had to relearn how to eat and drink, I had trouble with not inhaling a breath while swallowing that I had to retrain myself to do. Three years later during medical exams I learned I received a spinal cord injury, four ruptured discs, a compression in the discs in my neck, peripheral nerve damage, nerves S1, S3, S5 have been permanently damaged. The neurosurgeon that examined me in 2010 also explained to me I would be a paraplegic for the rest of my life.

HE would tie me to the wheelchair that he had me confined to when I was allowed to be out of the room he held me in. He always had me blocked in whatever area he placed me in. His threats against my children and I continued; we lived in fear of this man and his relatives. Even when he allowed us to attend church meetings; he would bind me to the chair with one of his belts, the buckle out of my reach and afraid to say anything to anyone for fear of what he and his relatives would do to us.

Too many times being his rag-doll, too many times being his punching bag, too many years trapped in his prison, too long not being allowed to be free to be me. Not allowed to say what I wanted to when I wanted to say it to who I wanted to say it to. No more of that, going forward and never turning back.

He'd give the kids money for an allowance, chores, good grades, but they were never allowed to keep it. He'd take it to spend on the road somewhere. He carries on about how bad I am for taking a course on overcoming addiction while I was in high school yet his own addiction was more important than bill money. Everything all shut off but he's got what he wants, makes no sense at all. I truly pray he gets the help he needs so these children and myself can live our lives in peace, no more trauma from him and his two sisters upon us or anyone else they may cross paths with in this lifetime.

I remember how my dad used to give gifts, then turn around and take them away. He'd buy a new dog, need an excuse for having it, someone's birthday would be near; my birthday is around the start of hunting season; so I'd go out next day to see my new dog and it'd be gone. Some he'd make my brother shoot for whatever reason.

We had chickens, ducks, lots of dogs, pigs, calves, rabbits, cats, raccoons, and a few various others at times. The dog kennels were USDA inspected and the raccoons were there on wildlife catch and release permits. Some were pets, some were for eating, some for hunting – a use for all.

Swore that give then take it back would not happen to my kids – but HE has done it. I have to teach my children the right and proper way to navigate and to do that we must have peace in our lives.

The end of May 2010 HIS anger escalated. He would confine me to the room he kept me in; at times bound and gagged though even if he would have left those undone there were would have been no one that would be near enough to hear me or willing to help me. In June of 2010 members of the church transported me to a doctors appointment; my doctor called adult protective services. A worker from the county next to the one we were being held in appeared, he allowed her into the room I was held in, she promised me that someone would come to help me and explained due to the location being out of her county she was unable to do anything at that time. No one ever came to help.

July of 2010 HE had me confined to a bed. He provided me with an adult diaper and a t shirt. Any paths to be used for escape from my confinement were totally, completely blocked with items such as kitchen chairs in rows, large television set, storage totes among other things I was physically unable to move alone. My husband would punish my children if they attempted to help me clear a path to get out of confinement.
On this day HE became irate in the area outside the room he confined me into. I could hear him raging, yelling, sounds of thrown items. I remember being held in fear listening. He entered into the room I was trapped in. He jumped on the bed towards me, lunged, toppling me over onto my back. He placed his right hand across my throat, his weight bearing down on me. He said, “Are you ready to die?”. I didn't wasn't able to answer.
I quit fighting off his attacks over the years of him doing this. Fear held me, mainly fear of what would happen to my children from his ongoing threats. I blacked out while he held my throat choking me. When I regained consciousness I became aware of severe pain from the attack he'd done against me.
This had been happening for many years. I do not have and might never regain full capacity of my bodily functions from his attacks against me. Some of the damages I am able to keep well hidden, only having to share with medical personnel when the scars are discovered upon my body during examinations. Some of the damages are quite obvious and in clear view to anyone that I meet. I have to live with these pieces and broken pieces for the rest of my life. He is allowed freedom; I pray he is stopped before yet another life is ruined by the hands of that violent man and his family.

Dear Great Spirits, I am thankful to be alive. Lord and Lady I am thankful we survived. Help us Gods and Goddesses, we need You now. Help us. Set Angels upon us, let my children and I live together in safety and security with stability, deliver us from that violent man's plans. So Mote It Be.

Dear Gods and Goddesses, I love my children. Those most special prized awesome blessings lent to me from Heaven as babies. Lord and Lady I know you sent them to me for their safekeeping and teaching, training to choose the right to reach their individual full potentials. I am not complete in showing them properly Dear Lord and Lady please allow me these next years to do all I'm meant to do to help my children onto their best individual paths in this life. Allow us to remain together forever Gods and Goddesses, we need your help here that we all live together in the same home that we be able to rebuild our lives and receive the help we all need. Dear Great Spirit please allow me to be the mother you intended me to be that I be able to provide the best for my four children that nothing be lacking. Help us Lord and Lady. So Mote It Be.

Dear Lord and Lady help us all! Help me keep my children safe. Lord make a way for us to be together forever that we be allowed to live our lives in peace. Send Angels upon us to lift us up, Help me to become fully self sufficient to provide for my family. Great Spirits I pray for a miracle. Let my children be returned to me that we all be a proper family. So Mote It Be.

Why has HE put us through so much? When will it ever end? Did he ever really love us and why is he doing these things he continues to do now? Doesn't he even realize how wrong his behavior has been for so long? Why can't they stop and let us live in peace and safety?

I need a miracle to keep my children safe. I close my eyes to sleep and can't for having to relive things that clan has done against us. How do I get past this and get to be fully free? If these things they've done have affected me this way how are my children truly doing? Put on the happy face as HE always demanded us to do around others but those true emotions don't just go away on their own. They've got to heal. Healing takes time and help. Because we need to heal and we're all so far away from each other it's even more of a process. How will this affect my children in the long term? Lord and Lady bring us together soon!

I am meant to survive and thrive because I am still alive. I will make a way to support my four children and myself.  Our Great Spirit can make a way out of no way. Great Spirit can make the impossible become possible, oh, He can and I know He will!

I know these present times and trials in our lives are temporary. I know these trials must at some point reach their conclusion. Only Great Spirit knows how the trials of our lives are going to wrap up and I will remain to have full faith in Him to help us and see the proper finalization of these chapters as the next chapter of our lives shall open up.

I am thankful to be released from captivity, although I still do not feel totally free. I still seek to regain my independence and my individuality. How simple it sounds, learning about me.

There are many memories I have stored away. Blocked memories seemed to be less painful than reliving the harsh realities of horrid memories. The problem with blocking those memories is eventually they will resurface. Living nightmares. They must be dealt with sooner rather than later to cope with them properly.

I cannot turn back time to change the past coping methods of blocking out those events which never should have happened. I can learn a better patter to truly survive and thrive. I seek the guidance of these workers here in our safe places. I am determined to live a better life, to never turn back upon that path which we have been delivered from.

I desire to live peacefully with my children. I desire to provide for them fully financially, emotionally – to nurture them and help them along the way.

 Blessed Be ~ Peace wash over our souls. So Mote It Be.

Worry is meditation on fear filled things; Fear grants negativity access to your life. Get rid of the fear! The thing we fear most is what comes upon us; Be not afraid, live in faith, get rid of fear. Be an overcomer. ; I'm a winner. Do not give place to fear. Walk in favor of your Spirit Guide. Be a conqueror. NO FEAR – MORE FAITH. When the lights go out, light your candle and keep on going. Respond in faith. Fear shackles us to the darkness, negativity, be faithful and be free. I walk by faith, not by sight, I walk in faith, not in fear. I am victorious, I will overcome. Have victory in faith; remove all fear. Live in faith not by fear. Fear, anxiety, panic, all pull us down. Live in faith, trust in your Spirit Guide and live freely. 

All people have the power to expand; to absorb knowledge and train in another manner. Once you have changed for something better you cannot go back on bad habits and still expect better to come. Great Spirit wants us prosperous in many ways, to be successful in all aspects of our lives. Follow your Spirit Guides will; He or She knows how to help us become all they created us to be. It's in our Souls, it's in revelations from Holy Spirit, it's there if we will simply study, listen, and obey. Instruction manual for our lives is embedded in our Souls. The road map of your life is written in you .
Great Spirit, I know you are there, save my children and I from this nightmare we have been living in. I ask for the guidance to lead us safely together again. Help my children Great Spirit, please help us, we need you now.

Dear Gods and Goddesses, send us some relief. Let me know my children will surely be kept safe, away from all violence, that they never live through what we have escaped from ever again. Help us truly survive and thrive to live our lives together peaceably. Heaven help us all. We escaped the terrible place we were being held in, help us truly be free and live together. Dear Gods and Goddesses let it be so, so mote it be.

All the times trying to escape from him and now hearing the children may have to go back and live through that nightmare again. There must be some way to keep them safe and protect them from more harm at the hands of that violent clan. There must truly be a way for us all to escape that violent clan.

Why wouldn't anyone listen to us? Those workers that came in our home we told and no relief ever came from them. We told them we were not safe there, he'd be worse after they left. And now this. Will there ever be any peace allowing my children to grow up properly together with me?

How can they be kept safe now even after these workers have seen that the children need such help. How could they even consider putting them back there to go through more from those people? How is all this affecting my children now and how will it all turn out? How can my children surely be kept safe?

We tried to escape again. Just to have us be separated from each other. Escape the violence to be taken one from another. There must be something better in store for all of us. We need safety, security, stability, and peace in our lives.

How is it those workers were in that confinement we were held within and there was no help for us? No matter the children and I telling them we were not safe there. There was no way out available to us. I finally escaped that prison with my children just to have us all divided for having been there. No matter all the previous escape attempts, it's too late. These ones I thought were finally going to help, and the opposite happened.



Now to rebuild. Hope and pray for safety, peace, some form of normalcy and chance at a real life. There must be a way to keep my children safe, some way to know they never have to relive what we have escaped from. I know we aren't the only ones to have survived and I know there must be some way to fully escape intact.

It has been so long under his power so much has changed in this world. Simple things, like prices in stores, grades of milk used to be different prices now all grades are the same price. So many changes, simple as they are, to take in and to relearn.

How did this go on for so long? Where has that real help been? Is there even such a thing as real help out there? Where to begin? I do not know where this path leads but I must give it my best and hang on. Clinging to that hope that one day my children will be returned to me and this living nightmare will end.

Life must be shared with others. A firm foundation upon the rock and then spread to help another in the battle of the storm in their life. Always fully trusting and relying on Gods and Goddesses that as we do all we can we will be met with that helpmeet to allow us to endure and overcome the storm.

After I managed to escape from captivity with my children an old friend found me. I was very uncertain about contact with him, and yet knew I needed someone. I wasn't looking for any more than friendship, simply someone that knew me and remembered the 'me' before the storm became so bad in my life. That friendship blossomed and bloomed into something wonderful, today that 'friend' is not only my very best friend, he is my husband. He has been so very, extremely patient with me and understanding when no other person seems to comprehend where I'm coming from with my thoughts. I had been his mothers caretaker before she passed away in 2006. His sister and I had been close friends, however shortly after my Daddy passed away in early 2008 these friends had moved from Alabama to Tennessee and we lost contact. Today his sister lives rather nearby, here in the same town. My husband is an over the road long haul truck driver, has been since 1979. With his help I have healed much from my past, replacing the horror memories with good memories. I know never ever again will I have to live through what my children and I escaped from in this lifetime.


October of 2011 I received an award in Alabama from the Governor for my accomplishments. I was awarded the Disabled Small Business Employee of the year. I had been working two fulltime jobs plus attending AUM fulltime. The week I received that award my abusive exhusband and his family found me again. I was in between my first and second class at AUM, he was there in a work truck. I went to the Disability office, the workers there called the AUM police... the company the abusive one worked for was called... he should not have been in that area. The Montgomery police were called... the police officers that responded told me there was nothing they could do unless this abusive man physically did something against me again. I went back to the domestic violence shelter seeking advice and was urged to move from the area and start over by the supervisor at the shelter. A friend came to me and informed me she was getting strange calls asking about me... after sitting listening in to her phone on speakerphone I knew who was calling... again police could not or simply would not help. There were calls with threats that this man was in the general vicinity literally hunting me, I was afraid for the safety of my coworkers and classmates or anyone else around me in the event that he would follow through with his threats to shoot me. I made the decision to move to where I am now, a state away from my children and closer to people that have considered me family and now are officially family to me. I decided I would rather have my children be safe and know that I would have a chance to stay alive and see them again one day than to have to worry about them visiting my grave for what these abusive ones were threatening to do to me. I still receive the threats here, there's still nothing I can do about the phonecalls legally however, if these abusive ones should happen to actually appear in this area I have been assured that stalking charges can be pressed against them.

  Chilton County Alabama DHR terminated my parental rights to my children so that the children can be placed for adoption. I have fought long and hard to have reunification for my children and I. I feel as though my hands are tied and those abusive ones were right in much of what they said before I escaped from them. I do know for certain my children and I have a love that nothing can break and one day we will all surely be together again, even if that means once they are all of age and locate me on their own... I will be here waiting on them when the time is right. In the meantime I pray they are each safe and able to enjoy the rest of their childhoods the best they possibly can, that the chains of abuse that have crossed so many generations will not continue on any further. The DHR caseworker believes due to me being wheelchair bound I am somehow not fully of the proper mind... this is totally opposite, I know the truth, my children know the truth, and those that take the time to get to know me also know the truth as well.... I may have some physical mobility issues from the spinal cord injury I received but I do not have mental issues to the level that I am incoherent or unable to cope.. ... I do not know the outcome of that court meeting as the legal people in my case do not respond. I never received any paperwork in the mail about that court date, just an email letting me know there was an impending date & their intentions. I do know no matter what the legal people decided upon that one day when my children are old enough to do so on their own accord they will locate me again.






Everyday is a gift, that's why they call it the present.

I am a mother, a daughter, a wife, a sister, an aunt, a cousin, a niece... Blessed with an awesome family striving to do our best on this path that we may all be united through all eternity once our work on earth is through.

My current beliefs are a combination of what I was taught & came to believe myself over the years... they don't particularly match any of the generalized 'popular' sects.. I take what pertains & let the rest go knowing that there is something larger than me and any situation that I will ever face upon this earth. I believe all living beings do have a spirit, we're really not that much different when it comes down to it except for the packaging that we are traveling through this life in. I believe we are all placed here to help one another along this journey through this world we are on, to support and harm none. Some people may call me 'Pagan', some may call me a 'witch', regardless of the labels people may apply to me I know I am on the proper path that I am meant to be on.  I do not need saving in any 'religious' aspect. I have my beliefs, you have yours, just as it should be.. we are all unique beings not the same exact clone copied models of someone else.  I know I did not enjoy the captivity that I escaped from while I was at the mercy of my abusive exhusband & I would wish that upon no one, no matter what body form they happen to be journeying through this world in. I know my beliefs are unique, as they should be in my opinion for we are all unique beings with our own free thoughts, actions, and lives though our lives do entertwine and should work together for the common good and not for selfish reasons of just one individual.

Roller Coaster of Life

Upside Down -- Right Side Up -- Spinning Round and Round --  Highest Peaks -- Lowest Valley -- Standing Totally Still -- Flying Fast -- No Movement at all....



  Hurdling along on a roller coaster in total darkness.  Not knowing when the next curve or loop will be, only certain that something else is coming along the track.  Positive eventually the ride will end.  Hanging on with all our might, praying everything will turn out right.  Needing peace and serenity only Faith can bring.  Seeking answers that may never come.  This highway of life keeps on rolling along.  The ups and the downs, the turns and the twists, they keep on going and going, on and on and on and on.... seems to be winding down, no it's picking up to full speed again.... waiting on this roller coaster ride to end and the peace to begin... looking for the light that signals the end of this dark tunnel is near to allow us to close this chapter and truly start fresh with the next journey on this path of life.

Invictus, written by William Earnest Henley, 1849-1903

William Ernest Henley. 1849–1903

Invictus

OUT of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

Out of Darkness Into the Light

How this current time came to be, where ti all began and where the path has lead thus far. Aiming for the best choices and still making poor ones, seeking the proper directions and knowing there is yet something better in store. I know there is a better life meant for us, how to get there is the on hand question. We have survived a true living horror story and at times fell I am still not fully free and independent.

  I have an uncountable number of questions and realize many of them will never be answered for me. I realize these situations have not been of my choosing, my fault, or because of anything that I could have done at that time with the knowledge I had at that time. "Live and learn": has been said many times, how true that phrase is. Had I not lived through and learned from the situations I have survived I would not be the person I am today. I have learned that although these times of our lives are not what I would have chosen for us they have been pieces that have formed us in many ways.

  No one asks to be hurt. No one expects to be abandoned. No one deserves to be abused. I seek peace, safety , security, and stability.  I know these things are pieces we all deserve in our lives.  Somehow in the midst of all this turmoil we have managed to survive. Now it is time to rebuild. The time to thrive has arrived.

I've heard a song about a long black train headed to the middle of nowhere and the warning to stay away from that train.  Some days it has felt I was caught on that train barreling down the tracks screaming for someone to stop the train and let me off.  Eventually that train stopped but it let me out on top of the worst roller coaster there ever has been.



I ask what I did wrong, where did I go wrong? I know now that it wasn't 'me' that went wrong, the situation, circumstances, and events, truly were beyond my personal control. I am no longer 'along for the ride'. I am no longer locked in his prison of isolation and pure dread. I am still not fully free yet I am seeking to become fully simply my own. I am going to be fully self sufficient and able to help another prevent being imprisoned in what should be their own loving home. 

It all began simply enough.  At least I thought it did.  For I didn't know another path.  I thought this 'style' of life was the only 'right' way. I didn't realize something far, far, different was the correct and proper way until far too late. Really too late, for by that time I was already fully caught up in that trap.

From that point I tried for a few years to escape before I gave in to this being my lot in life.  Eventually I came to give up and stop trying to escape. I feel I failed by giving up, I could have, should have done better. I cannot turn back time and choose a different way but I can and I will do the best I can today and everyday to prevent becoming imprisoned ever again. I am learning those cues and signals hat could lead to another treacherous path so I can avoid those danger areas and seek to fully live life as it was intended to be. 

I am who I am, I am me, I have the responsibility to care for me an all those dependent upon me. No matter the situations and circumstances that lead to these children being gifted to me, regardless of the times that produced them, they are ultimately gifts from our Great Spirit.  So strange it seems to me that once again this fight for them from that very one who forced his power so many times.  When and how can it all end? Gods and Goddesses grant peace!


The true labor of love for my children that has managed to keep us together all these years continues to grow strong regardless of the situations we must now endure through.  Only two people living in this world know the events that occurred those horrible nights, at least I must hope so for the only others present in my home where young children themselves. These children must never know all that was done those times only that from a true labor of love we are here. 

Sometimes I have wondered if he only allowed me to survive to produce these children for him.  Then he allowed me to live, to stay because he must have known if he murdered me then roles would reverse as he would have went to prison instead of keeping me imprisoned and so far away from everybody.  I still fear he will kill me at some point, this guy can only be 'good' for so long.. I've seen it too many times.  Still quite a real possibility that he will in fact eliminate me from this life too soon.  The current mission is to keep alive, staying alive and making plans to really thrive. 

I will become fully self sufficient, I am a survivor and I know I will make a better life for myself and my four children. We survived from a living hell now we deserve the change to live freely together.  We deserve a safe home away from the abusive violent ones that held us in their grasp for so long. We deserve mercy. We deserve to be allowed to live together safely as mother and children should be.

I've heard the sun shines the brightest after the darkest hour and know that to be true.   My children are my bright sunshine's and we have surely survived from the fiercest storms.  Out of dire situations we raise up. Seeds planted deep down in the dark soil keep on going and growing to become the most beautiful flowers and the tallest strongest trees.  We have been those seeds planted deep in darkness, now we strive to become so much more.  I seek to find the proper path, the road to lead to victory. I know we will get  there. The solid, secure destination is certain. the path from this point to that destination must be built.  I must do the work to build that path for my children to follow.

I plan to obtain a higher education, something I feel can help others from becoming trapped in similar situations.  I know I will need help along this path I've set out upon.  I know I can do this. we will make, with a small amount of help . Lead me, guide me, walk beside me, help me find the way, teach me all that I must do to live with Gods and Goddesses again one day.  Just as the song states the guidance needed, we all can use that guidance daily.  Follow the Great Spirit, He knows the way! How true those words surely are to all!